Wondering
by AbbyGibbs
Summary: Mac’s wondering about the road not taken COMPLETED!
1. Default Chapter

  
  
Author: Stephjag aka Steph  
  
Email Stephrabb@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.  
  
Classification: Vignette / Drama  
  
Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)  
  
Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines  
  
Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.  
  
Author's note: Well, I've been thinking of a story to write after "What if," but I couldn't come up with something. Today, I think I have. I was a bit taken aback with Mac's way of acting. She only saw the negative parts of their marriage and I couldn't help thinking that she didn't really mean it. Now here's the story I have in mind.  
  
I hope that I know the characters well enough to write this story. Maybe a few things in the characters will be different in their way of acting, and I'm sorry about it but for the moment some things are driving me crazy. I can't believe it. I don't know why, but with all that happened in season nine I still have hope that maybe someday they will see what they need to see... Enjoy!  
  
And finally, this story is for Lili who I'm sure will recognize herself.  
  
Many thanks, to AeroGirl for beta-reading!  
  
Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.  
  
Part one  
  
2031 ZULU In the corridor leading to Harm's apartment North of Union Station Washington, D.C.  
  
Now, here I am in front of Harm's apartment door. Wondering why I'm here. What the heck am I doing here? She was thinking of the little paper she'd gotten in the Chinese restaurant last week...  
  
It said: "Your unspoken desire is the road not taken. Take it!"  
  
Sarah Mackenzie you're stupid. Why are you here? You do not even believe in those things. But... what if? What if it was right?  
  
Sarah stood there, staring at the door, a couple of minutes and than decides to knock on it. Mattie opened a few seconds later. "Hi, Mac! Come on in."  
  
"Hey, Mattie! Is Harm here?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Of course he's here, Mac – where else would he be? It's his apartment. It seems like you haven't got all your senses right now...  
  
Mac followed the girl into the apartment and waited a little before continuing any further, still asking herself if this was a good idea. Maybe talking to him would be the best thing to do. Sarah Mackenzie couldn't understand why this simple phrase was making her crazy; it had been spinning in her head for three days now. It had woken her last night.  
  
Clayton had been lightly snoring next to her. He hadn't moved an inch when she had left the apartment to take a walk, trying to clear her mind about the entire situation she was in now. She was with Clay now. She had made her choice. But was it really the right choice? Was she with him for a good reason – by a good reason she meant love. But was it really love she was feeling for Clayton Webb?  
  
What he did for her in Paraguay had been very brave. She'd always be thankful to him for what he had done for her. But there was a little problem; she was starting to have doubts about the choice she had made. It had never really bothered her before, but now...  
  
Since last week she wasn't so very sure about everything. "Your unspoken desire is the road not taken. Take it!" The words made her wonder – did she take the right road? Oh hell! I can't stop myself of thinking and doubting. What the hell's wrong with me?  
  
Mac was brought back to reality by Harm's light touch on her forearm. "Mac? Is everything ok?"  
  
"Huh? Yeah, everything's fine."  
  
"You're sure? You seemed to be a thousand miles away."  
  
"Yes, Harm, I'm sure. It's just that I didn't sleep so well last night."  
  
Harm looked at her, surprised by what she just said. Well, not entirely surprised; he knew the past month had been pretty rough for her. For him too, though, but not exactly for the same reasons. He wished he could've turned back the hands of time.  
  
Sometimes at night when he was lying in his bed and couldn't sleep, Harm wished he could've done that before he told Admiral Chegwidden he'd resigned his commission to get to Mac. Then again he had to think about the lyrics of a song that perfectly matched his relationship with Mac.  
  
So there you go again turning love into a question,  
  
It's not so hard to say if this is for real or rejection,  
  
Don't make me promises, don't make me decide,  
  
Don't beg forgiveness just try harder next time,  
  
I know this love will start  
  
Don't keep me wondering, 'cause it's hard enough to know,  
  
Don't keep me wondering, if you've turned cold,  
  
We've got to work it out,  
  
Whatever's wrong we'll make it right,  
  
Don't keep me wondering if your love is worth the fight  
  
All alone still waiting, so glad I know that you're worth the chasing,  
  
Though I understand your reasons, I've never argued or fought with me feelings,  
  
Don't be protective, don't keep changing your mind,  
  
You use forgiveness as a way to buy time,  
  
Don't push aside a love you've never tried,  
  
Try and see this through my eyes  
  
Don't keep me wondering, 'cause it's hard enough to know,  
  
Don't keep me wondering, if you've turned cold,  
  
We've got to work it out, whatever's wrong we'll make it right,  
  
Don't keep me wondering if your love is worth the fight  
  
Wondering if anything will happen baby,  
  
Wondering if this will turn out right  
  
Wondering if dreams are dreams forever baby,  
  
Wondering if love will ever come to life  
  
Don't keep me wondering, 'cause it's hard enough to know,  
  
Don't keep me wondering, if you've turned cold,  
  
We've got to work it out, whatever's wrong we'll make it right,  
  
Don't keep me wondering if your love is worth the fight   
  
Those lyrics were exactly his feelings put into words. What could he do? He wasn't going to push her. The only thing he could do for now was hope and be a friend for her like he always had been – or tried to be. "Mac, come sit down on the couch, would you please?"  
  
Mac only nodded and let Harm lead her gently to the couch. Mattie looked at Mac a second, then at Harm. She instinctively knew that there was something going on. The teenage girl gave as an excuse that she'd forgot to do some homework for school tomorrow and left the apartment. "Mattie! Come back, please."  
  
Mattie Grace opened the door and looked timidly at her guardian. "Yes, Harm, I'll come to show it to you when I'm done," she said with a smile. Harm smiled back at her and added, "Thank you."  
  
And the young girl closed the door to head to the next apartment, leaving Harm and Mac alone in his apartment.  
  
To be continued... 


	2. Chapter 2

  
  
"Wondering – 2"  
  
Author: Stephjag aka Steph  
  
Email Stephrabb@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.  
  
Classification: Vignette / Drama  
  
Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)  
  
Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines  
  
Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.  
  
Second author's note: First of all, I want to thank my dear friend AeroGirl, for reminding me of a little detail here. In this chapter, I'm recalling the events of "Death Watch" as well as those of "Skeleton Crew," although I know that most of you probably never saw it. But I did, and that's why I'm referring to the fact that Harm's been accused of having murdered Diane Schonke. Hope you're not going to think this chapter is a mess.  
  
Part Two  
  
2047 ZULU Harm's apartment North of Union Station Washington, D.C.  
  
Mattie had left them alone. Suddenly the silence felt awkward again. It was like they didn't know what to say to each other anymore. Harm wondered why Mac came to see him. It had been such a long time. Sometimes it felt like they were still friends, but friends that were living in two different worlds. What had happened to them? When did this all start? Why? Was there really an explanation for all that had happened? Was it meant to be this way? All these questions and no answers. Maybe those questions would never find answers. It didn't really matter to him anymore. He seemed to have made peace with it.  
  
If Mac was happy with Webb, then he had to accept it. Harm loved her that much. He was ready to give up on her, even if it meant that his heart would be broken to see her happy with someone else. They'd hurt each other so much lately, consciously or unconsciously. Sometimes they did it with just a look. But here she was, in his apartment. For what reason?  
  
Then he smiled, as a memory flashed into his mind. The first time they'd met. His partner at work, Lieutenant Meg Austin, had been transferred, and Bud came to JAG headquarters in Falls Church. A bit later, Admiral Chegwidden introduced Major Sarah Mackenzie and Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr to each other in the White House Rose Garden. That day had changed his life, though he'd admit that in the beginning it was difficult to remember that he didn't really know her.  
  
Mac looked quite similar to Lt Diane Schonke. Physically – or at least Mac's face was the mirror image of Diane's, for the rest of her body he didn't know. And that he'd never know... nothing would ever change the fact that she'd be forever in his heart...  
  
"Harm?"  
  
"Huh... what?"  
  
"Are you still with me? It seemed like you were thousands of miles away from here."  
  
"Sure. Actually, I was in a certain rose garden, eight years ago..."  
  
Mac smiled at him, knowing exactly what he was talking about. This was a good memory; their first meeting. She'd first thought that Harm was kind of strange because when the admiral had introduced them, he seemed somewhat... astonished. It felt like he'd seen a ghost or something.  
  
Mac hadn't understood it at first. How could it be possible that she'd had a mirror image somewhere? She fully understood that one year later, when she came to her friend's apartment. He was supposed to make her dinner after losing a case, but he'd forgotten completely about it. He was totally lost in some memories of old times. Happy times with his best friend Diane.  
  
Harm had tried to find some lame excuse, but he should have known better. Sarah Mackenzie knew him. And she'd seen the gun in his belt.  
  
"You're going to see a friend, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, haven't seen in... a... long time." Harm gazed at her, but it was too late; she was staring at a little picture of Diane.  
  
"Talk to me, Harm."  
  
Harm took a sit in the couch in front of her. His gaze saddened. "You look like Diane, Mac, but your personalities are as opposite as day and night. We were about to find out what we really felt for each other. We were supposed to spend the weekend at her parents' cottage, but it wasn't meant to be. She'd been murdered..." Harm would never know the real depth of their feelings for each other.  
  
While he was telling her the whole case, she could see he was in pain, though there was one thing she couldn't understand. How in hell could Turkey suspect Harm of murder – especially Diane? Harm had told him that he'd always considered her as his sister, and even if he didn't believe him, what would have been his reason? Jealousy? How, please... If the guy had paid a little more attention, he would have known better.  
  
It was just like the "suicide" of this Lieutenant Lam. Harm knew but couldn't say anything – too much evidence pointing that direction, and he came at the appropriate moment. So case closed. At least that was what they thought, but then, the missing gun – Diane was killed with was found and Harm got accused of murder. Thank God, he had been released after awhile. Harm had told her everything while they were going outside. The rain was falling heavily out of the sky. They waited a little before they went into Harm's car, running in hopes of not getting too wet. Once Harm and Mac were into his Corvette, he mentioned a letter, and got Mac out of the car to protect her – because he was aware that he was going to do something stupid caused by a desire to have some revenge.  
  
Sarah knew what he was about to do and went back to JAG. By the time she got there, she was completely wet from head to toe. Mac asked Bud for some help. She wanted to know what he'd heard when the Schonke case happened. Bud told her everything he could remember about it.  
  
Sarah began to understand, and risked a lot to get there in time to stop Harm from doing the stupidest thing of his life and jeopardizing his career. If she could help it, Mac was determined not to let that happen. Mac found out which ship remained on dock at Norfolk. The answer was the USS Sheppard – DDG 998, which could only, meant one thing – the murderer of Lt. Diane Schonke was on the ship.  
  
Mac went to the Norfolk docks just in time. Harm was pointing his gun to Holbarth, and about to shoot him. She was running and surrounded by a sort of fog.  
  
"Harm! Don't."  
  
Harm turned his head as well as Holbarth. Suddenly Holbarth seemed to panic. "God, Schonke! I'm sorry. No, I didn't want to. I..." he drew back and fell into the water. No one could help him anymore; he'd been crushed between the dock and the hull. Bud went to get some help anyway. A couple of officers came to see what had had happened.  
  
Harm and Mac stepped back a little, facing each other.  
  
"Would you've done it?"  
  
"We'll never know."  
  
Suddenly the gaze in Harm's eyes changed, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Mac's. It was a good-bye kiss. A good-bye for Diane...  
  
But in Mac's heart there was a little thing, and there were butterflies in her stomach. She secretly wished that Harm's kiss had not only been a good- bye kiss for Diane...  
  
To be continued... 


	3. Chapter 3

  
  
"Wondering – 3"  
  
Author: Stephjag aka Steph  
  
Email Stephrabbhotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.  
  
Classification: Vignette / Drama  
  
Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)  
  
Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines  
  
Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.  
  
Part Three  
  
2057 ZULU Still in Harm's apartment North of Union Station Washington, D.C.  
  
Harm and Mac were sitting silently looking at each other for awhile when Mac finally spoke up.  
  
"Harm, didn't you say something about some tea?"  
  
"Sure, I did," he said with a smile and stood up. He was heading for the kitchen when Mac called him back.  
  
"Harm..."  
  
Harm stepped back and turned his head. "Yes?"  
  
"...Thanks for still being my friend. I know things haven't been easy for you lately. And I'm sorry for what Sadik did to you," she said with a little voice.  
  
"It's okay, Mac, you don't have to be sorry for what he did. We knew he would do something, and you had a rough time. He wanted to get you. Sadik was playing a game with us. And he almost succeeded..."  
  
"I know, but still, I'm sorry for what happened. You shouldn't have been involved in this mess. It all happened because of some bad choices I made. I've been wrong, and I'm sorry it took me such a long time to find it out."  
  
Harm looked at her, his gaze puzzled. He wasn't sure what she was trying to say. He waited a few seconds before he went he the kitchen to get two cups, took two lime green tea bags, placed them into the cups, and poured hot water on them. Coming back to Mac, he handed her one of the steaming cups. "Careful, it's hot."  
  
"Thanks," she said in a low voice.  
  
Mac was holding the cup of tea in her two hands, like she was trying to warm herself up a little bit. Harm sat down on the couch in front of her and took a sip of his hot tea. Looking up at her, his gaze saddened again. Sarah was staring at the cup Harm had given her. He was sure that there was something wrong. But what? Was she really happy or was it only something she wanted everyone to believe?  
  
New questions. No answers. He was about to say something, but Mac's soft voice stopped him from doing so.  
  
"Harm..." she began softly.  
  
Harm's heart missed a beat. She had said his name so softly that he'd felt himself melt inside. Even now, after all had happened between them, Sarah Mackenzie still had this power over him. His heart tore when he saw a single tear rolling down her cheek. "... Could you hold me, please?" she murmured.  
  
Harm leaned forward to put his cup of tea on the table before standing up and stepping in Mac's direction. He came to sit next to her and hold her tight in his arms. Mac cuddled herself closer to him and closed her eyes, silent tears tracing their ways down her cheeks. Harm just tightened his embrace and let her cry without saying anything. Slowly he placed his chin on her hair and rocked her a little, like a father would've consoled his daughter.  
  
To be continued... 


	4. Chapter 4

  
  
"Wondering – 4"  
  
Author: Stephjag aka Steph  
  
Email: Stephrabbhotmail.com  
  
Website: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.  
  
Classification: Vignette / Drama, romance Harm and Mac  
  
Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)  
  
Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines. Every shipper moment through season 2 and season 9.  
  
Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.  
  
Third author's note: First I'd thought of only using the great lines of "What if," but considering of what was the end of season 9 – a few things have been said in the end of season 9 that are very important to me, and I'm sure my dear friends AeroGirl and Daenar will understand what I mean by this. I'll use the great lines of the rest of the season starting with "What if" hope you'll all enjoy this story for so far... I'm not sure, but I have the feeling I forgot to tell you guys something. Oh yeah! The circumstances of Clay's death will be different and all cleared up in this story and I've changed some events a little. Sue me. g Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.  
  
Part Four  
  
2314 ZULU Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C.  
  
Harm and Mac were silently walking side by side around the giant pool, simply enjoying the view. This was a special place. After what had happened less than two hours ago, Harm suggested that they take a walk somewhere, so that maybe they would be able to talk a little.  
  
He'd decided to bring Mac to the Reflecting Pool, because it was a quiet place, and it had a wonderful view. Mac stopped walking and looked at Harm for a long moment. "Is it okay if we sit here?"  
  
"Yes, we can sit here, if that's what you want. You sure everything's okay?" Harm asked in a lower voice.  
  
"Yes... Yes, I'm fine," Mac answered with a hesitating tone apparent in her voice.  
  
"Fine for me. But if you feel the need to talk, I'm all ears, Mac, and I will always be," he said, facing her.  
  
Mac looked down at her hands that were now torturing a tissue. It felt kind of strange suddenly to be sitting here with Harm side by side on the edge of the pool. Mac felt uneasy and at the same time comfortable. Things were different between them, but their friendship was still there somewhere; they were still bound by an invisible wire that nothing and no one would ever break.  
  
Sarah Mackenzie was very grateful for this friendship she shared with her work partner. She'd always count on his support. Even when he was the cause of some things going wrong in her life, he'd always find a way to make things good. Sarah remembered a scary time they'd been through seven years ago...  
  
1610 ZULU The Appalachian Mountains, Virginia  
  
Harm had invited Mac to fly with him. She'd accepted, so now they were flying in the sky of Virginia above the Appalachians, but of course things couldn't go the easy way for once. It would have been too good. The fuel line of Harm's Stearman PT-17 had slit wide open, forcing them to make an emergency landing.  
  
A few minutes later, Mac was shot in her right thigh by a poacher. When he'd seen her laying down holding her leg, Harm slightly panicked. But then, he took her up quickly and brought her to safety, so he'd taken a look at Mac's injured thigh. The injury didn't seem so bad, but still it had to be taken care of.  
  
It seemed to Harm that it was only buckshot, but it was also obvious to him that Mac was in pain, and he blamed himself for it. If he'd checked the pipe oil of his Stearman properly and double checked, none of this would've happened.  
  
"Hey, Mac, why don't we play hooky on Monday? I'll take you flying. There's nothing quite like it - the open air, the adrenaline rush."  
  
"I'm two for two, huh?" Harm said, the evidence of a sorry look shining in his eyes.  
  
"Leave it, Harm. It's not your fault. I saw you, you checked everything. And we couldn't possibly know that those guys were poachers. You let it go, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, you're right but still I should have been more careful."  
  
"Harm, please, stop blaming yourself."  
  
He finished bandaging her thigh and helped her to get up.  
  
"Think you can stand, Marine?"  
  
"Unless you plan to carry me."  
  
"Well, maybe if you laid off the Beltway burgers."  
  
"Yeah, and you worked out more."  
  
Then they went further in hope of gaining distance from the assailants. They'd been able to find a safer place for a while. When they did find the place, Mac went a little crazy at first because of the blood mark that was still on her shirt, and it reminded her of the guys she'd killed a little earlier. Harm asked her if everything was all right, and she answered that she wanted the mark to go away.  
  
A bit later Mac told Harm about a friend of hers when she was in high school, Eddie. He'd died because he was driven the car they where in, though he'd been drinking. Ending her story, Mac said, "I can still bitch about freezing my butt off, can't I?"  
  
"Quit your whining. You've got ten percent more body fat than I do."  
  
"Are you calling me fat, stick boy?"  
  
"Stick boy? Women just naturally have more insulation than men."  
  
2337 ZULU Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C.  
  
Mac started laughing, and Harm turned, looking at her with a non- comprehending expression on his face. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes, I am. I just thought of something that we said a couple of years ago. We were in the Appalachians. Poachers were after us. We managed to outdistance them, and then I told you Eddie's story, and then you said that women have ten percent more body fat than men," she said with a smile shining on her face.  
  
Harm smiled as well as he answered. "And if I remember right, you called me stick boy, didn't you?" Harm's smile became wider.  
  
"You sure? I can't remembering me calling you stick boy. No, I didn't," Mac said, turning her head elsewhere so she could hide the devilish grin that was drawn on her face right now.  
  
Harm couldn't help but grin too. This little trip hadn't turned out exactly how he'd planned it. It had been scary moments too. But despite all the scary times, the trip had been nice and he was in Mac's company.  
  
Mac turned again, but the smile on her face had vanished. She looked at Harm with teary eyes, and at the sight Harm's heart tore once again. Harm couldn't bear the sight of seeing her so sad, so he leaned forward and took Mac in his arms again, hoping that holding her would make her feel better and more comfortable. He did not know what else to do for now.  
  
Harm didn't know what else because he didn't know what was happening. Harm had a foreboding that what made her so sad had something to with Clayton Webb. A wave of anger flew through him. This guy was doomed! Since the first time he'd met the guy Harm knew that Clay would be a source of trouble. And it turned out that he'd been right. Clayton Webb was indeed a source a source of trouble, he should have known it; the first time they'd met he had lost the Declaration of Independence. If Harm ever found out that he'd hurt her or something, Clay had better pray that their paths never crossed ever again.  
  
"Mac?" Harm said softly.  
  
Mac looked up at her friend with teary eyes. Mac's eyes were reflecting so much, they were shining with her tears, but there was also something else; they were also showing doubt and despair. Harm couldn't take it any longer.  
  
"Please, Mac talk to me, tell me what's wrong. Seeing you crying like this kills me."  
  
"Harm... I..." Mac said, her voice trailing off.  
  
To be continued... 


	5. Chapter 5

  
  
"Wondering – 5"  
  
Author: Stephjag aka Steph  
  
Email: Stephrabbhotmail.com  
  
Website: I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.  
  
Classification: Vignette / Drama, romance Harm and Mac  
  
Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)  
  
Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines. Every shipper moment through season 2 and season 9.  
  
Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.  
  
Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.  
  
Part Five  
  
2332 ZULU Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C.  
  
Mac stopped for a second, not really sure how to bring up the subject; what would happen if she told him what she was about to? What would his reaction be like? She'd known him for quite a long time now, but this...  
  
She'd taken her chance with Clay. She had been sure she'd made the right choice, but today, Mac felt like she'd done the stupidest thing in her entire life. Webb was always away. God only knew where. Mac often asked herself why she had started all this with him. Was it really love that bonded the two of them? That's what she was convinced of in the beginning, but now...  
  
They never had really talked about anything big like children or a wedding, though she knew that it would probably never happen with Webb, and even if he would have asked her, would she have answered "Yes"? And if she'd done so, what a life likes would she had had? Working at JAG headquarters during the day, and at night coming home and wondering what he was doing – hoping that he would come home in one piece.  
  
Since last week when they went to that Chinese restaurant, she'd felt lost and empty, and the same sentence came into her head over and over again. It was written on a little white sheet of paper and imprisoned in a Chinese fortune cookie.  
  
"Your unspoken desire is the road not taken. Take it!"  
  
Mac was wondering now, was it faith that was trying to make something clear to her? Was it God's sigh that was telling her that she's on the wrong path?  
  
Suddenly, Sarah Mackenzie was convinced that what she had to do was tell him what was on her mind, so she began:  
  
"Harm..." she started tentatively.  
  
"Yes, Mac," he answered, looking down at her with a soft gaze.  
  
"I... I need to talk to you about something," Mac almost murmured.  
  
Ham looked at her intently. Now he was starting to worry. What could she have to talk to him about that seemed so serious? He was hoping it was something he could help her with. And if he couldn't, he still would find a way to help her. "Mac, you can talk to me about anything. You know I'm there for you. I always will be. I promise."  
  
"Don't make promises that you can't keep," she answered with a smile.  
  
"I suddenly have an impression of déjà vu, here." Harm smiled back.  
  
In front of the building, Falls Church, Virginia Five years earlier  
  
Admiral A.J. Chegwidden just went back inside, leaving his two top lawyers outside. Harm and Mac were still staring at the ambulance where Bud, Harriet and the new little member of the family were.  
  
Both were smiling at first, but then, Mac's face saddened. Harm hadn't noticed it 'cause he was still looking in front of him. A few seconds later, he gazed at her, and saw that she didn't look so happy anymore.  
  
"You okay?" he asked her.  
  
"Every time I think I've put the pieces of my life back together, somebody comes along and jumbles them back up. Everybody who has ever meant anything to me is leaving my life," she replied in a sullen tone.  
  
"It'll be okay, Mac. You'll get to see Chloe again. One day you'll have kids of your own."  
  
"Not at this rate. My biological clock is going off, and I keep hitting the snooze button."  
  
Harm looked at her, and the look in his eyes slightly changed, a light grin appearing on his lips.  
  
"Tell you what. Five years from this moment, if neither one of us is in a relationship, we'll go halves on a kid."  
  
"You and me, have a baby together?" Mac asked, a little astonished, but smiling.  
  
"With your looks and my brains, he'll be perfect."  
  
"What if she has your looks and my brains?"  
  
"That could work too," he replied, reaching out his hand.  
  
"Don't make a promise that you can't keep."  
  
"I haven't yet."  
  
Reflecting Pool Washington, D.C.  
  
Sarah Mackenzie moved a little closer to her friend. She needed to feel him as close as possible. Harm, who had felt her come closer, was a little uncomfortable at first, but didn't say anything, and then he just enjoyed having her so close.  
  
"Harm?" she whispered.  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Thank you... thanks for not judging me through all these years. Thank you for still taking care of me."  
  
Harm was beginning to get really worried now; he had the feeling she was talking like someone who was about to lose everything in her life – and if he dared, he would say she was talking like a woman who was about to lose life itself. Harm was beginning to think that there was more to it than she was willing to tell him, and it made him feel slightly afraid.  
  
"Mac, please tell me what's wrong?" he begged.  
  
"Harm, don't worry, I'm fine."  
  
"No, Mac you're not. I'm sure you're not! There's something more. I know you and we're friends. Yeah, okay, maybe things have changed, a lot has happened. I've done and said things I shouldn't have. But I can't go back and fix those things. I'm sorry for that. Really sorry for that. Today I can change – well, maybe not, but I can try, so please tell me what's wrong."  
  
Mac smiled. She could see that Harm was really concerned and that it wasn't faked – with Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr, it never was. With him it was always real – loyalty, honor, honesty. His friend and his career and Mattie were the most important things in his life, though, Mattie at taken the first place in his heart, but who could blame him? She thought Mattie was a great kid.  
  
"Harm, please stop this, I'm feeling great. I just want to tell you something and it's not quite easy, that's all."  
  
"Okay, I'll let you talk and try to stop myself from worrying." He grinned sheepishly. "Great!" Mac smiled back.  
  
She waited a few more seconds before she went on.  
  
"Do you remember that Chinese restaurant, the lucky dream palace we went to?"  
  
"Sure I do, why?" Harm replied, smiling a little at the remembrance of a couple of thoughts he had had about what if they were married.  
  
"Why this smile, mister Rabb?"  
  
"What? Oh, nothing. But weren't you about to tell me something, or did you suddenly change your mind, because you are afraid to talk to me about the fact that you are truly, madly, deeply in love with me?" he teased.  
  
Mac first didn't how to answer to that, and normally she would have been in defensive mode but this time she didn't want to fight anymore. She had the feeling that if she didn't tell him it now it would be too late; if something were to happen to one of them, they would never know, and Sarah Mackenzie didn't want that to happen.  
  
Sarah Mackenzie untangled herself a little from Harm's embrace, looked into his eyes – eyes that were still like an ocean to her, where she could drown herself without any hesitation. She leaned forward and brushed her lips with his before whispering, "As a matter of fact, yes I am."  
  
To be continued... 


	6. Chapter 6

"Wondering – 6"

Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Email: http/ I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.

Classification: Vignette / Drama, romance Harm and Mac

Rating+13 (just to be on the safe side)

Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines. Every shipper moment through season 2 and season 9.

Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.

**Author's note:** Sorry for this long waiting for another chapter of this story, but I had lost any inspiration I had for it, but it's back and I promise the next chapter will come sooner. Sorry again.

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

Part Six

**2343 ZULU**

**Reflecting Pool**

**Washington, D.C.**

_No, she didn't say what I heard_, Harm thought; _I must have dreamed these words. This is impossible—she's with Clay now. I must be dreaming._

Harm looked into his friend's eyes to be sure he'd understood the answer. He had dreamed so many times about her saying those words to him that when she was actually saying them, he couldn't believe them.

"A… Are you sure, Mac?" he asked hesitantly.

"I've never been more certain of anything in my entire life, Harm," Mac answered simply.

"But you and Webb? You are together now… and as much as I want to I won't…" he started, but was silenced by Mac's lips upon his. Harm's heart skipped a beat when the tip of Mac's tongue softly brushed his lower lip to beg entrance, deepening the kiss. They only broke contact when in need for air.

"There is no Webb and I anymore, Harm. There never really was…" she said in a low voice. "It was a fairy tale, a dream. The relationship I shared with Webb was nothing more than a lie."

"I'm sorry, Mac…" Harm replied softly.

"There's no need to be."

"Maybe not for you, but for me there is, because I secretly hoped for it – I hoped your relationship with Clay would not last," Harm told her, looking at his hands.

Hearing his confession, Mac couldn't suppress a soft laugh. She lifted Harm's chin with her right index finger so that he could see that she was pleased by what his words.

"Oh! So that's what you wished, Mr. Rabb?" she asked him, a hint of smile in her voice and a faint indignant look in her eyes. Then she broke into crystal clear laughter. It was contagious because Harm laughed as well.

"I love you, Mac. I love you so damn much," he said, turning serious again.

Mac could see that Harm really meant his words by the sincerity evident in his voice and shining in his eyes.

"I love you too, sailor. I always have and I always will, and I have been a fool for having fought my feelings for such a long time."

"In that case, Sarah, I think we've been both fools," he told her, amazed how easily her given name rolled out of his mouth.

As always when he called her by her name, Sarah Mackenzie shivered. She didn't answer, instead leaning forward to kiss his lips. This time Harm was seeking permission to deepen the kiss, which Mac gladly granted by opening her lips under his.

To be continued….

3


	7. Chapter 7

"Wondering – 7"

Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Email: or http/ I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.

Classification: Vignette / Drama, romance Harm and Mac

Rating+13 (just to be on the safe side)

Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines. Every shipper moment through season 2 and season 9.

Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

Part Seven

**Still at the Reflecting Pool**

**Washington, D.C**.

Once again Harm and Mac broke their kiss as they needed air. Suddenly they couldn't get enough of each other. They finally freed themselves by sharing what each felt for the other. They'd found their place.

What they both secretly had hoped for so long had finally become reality.

"Mac?" Harm called softly.

"Yes?"

"What brought you to my apartment tonight?"

"Well, I was actually trying to explain it to you earlier, but I got distracted." She smiled wickedly.

"Distracted, by whom, by what?" he asked, smiling wickedly as well.

"Well, let me think, I think it was a comment of my still best friend – that I thought I'd lost – that caught me completely off guard."

"Oh? And what comment was it exactly?" he asked Mac, holding her close to his heart.

"It was a phrase from a song by Savage Garden, "Truly, Madly, Deeply." No, it wasn't a phrase – it was three words of it. My best friend said jokingly, '… because you are Truly, madly, deeply in love with me.' What else could I say to that than the simple and naked truth?"

"I don't know. You could have said that I was wrong or something," he said playfully, smiling.

But his smile faded away quickly as he saw the seriousness of the expression on Mac's face and that her eyes were brimming with tears.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you," he said sadly.

"It's not you, Harm. It's me. I'm responsible for my own tears – I just suddenly realized that all I ever did was push you away in hopes of not being hurt. But all I really did was hurt myself, more than I actually thought was possible, when all I really wanted was to be with you. We lost a lot of opportunities; we could have been together for a long time, but none of that happened because of our pride."

As sad as it was, Mac was speaking the truth. They had both let their pride take some sort of advantage on their feelings for each other, which was also one of the reasons why they'd said so many thoughtless things while angry or hurt that neither of them really meant.

They certainly had done a good job of pushing away each other, all these years of taking one step forward and ten backwards.

Now it was Harm's turn to lift Mac's chin up with his finger. "You know, sweetheart, you're not the only one to blame for the years we lost, and I've been a pretty big imbecile too," he said seriously, and his comment made her giggle softly.

"Why are you saying that?"

"Well, when you where about to marry Mic I went flying because I had to – wanted to. I didn't want to see you kissing Brumby again, because when I saw you do it back in Australia it broke my heart, and that's why I rushed away from you. And when I crashed into the cold waters of the ocean because of the storm all I could think of was you. You were the one who kept me alive, Mac. You were my strength. I felt so weak and helpless, you have no idea. I faced the fight with my heart and soul, but I'm not sure I would have survived without you…" His voice trailed off.

"Harm…" She cuddled against him. "I wouldn't have survived it if you hadn't come back. I ran away and looked the rain falling through the window, crying for you. I think that Mic saw what I refused to admit to myself that night – that the only man I really and truly loved, and will love forever, is you and no one else." Mac shivered as she finished speaking.

"Hey, you're cold. What do you say we would continue this conversation at my apartment?" Harm offered, rubbing her back gently with his left hand.

"Yeah, that'd be great."

"Let's go then, Marine," he teased, gently.

They both stood up, and walked hand in hand close to each other. Both thought about all the missed opportunities that never would come back again and the pains they'd caused each other, but they were also thinking about all new perspectives for their future… together.

To be continued…

3


	8. Chapter 8

"Wondering – 8"

Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Email: or http/ I do not own the JAG characters; they are the property of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario.

Classification: Vignette / Drama, romance Harm and Mac

Rating+13 (just to be on the safe side)

Spoilers: "What if" just for the big lines. Every shipper moment through season 2 and season 9.

Summary: Mac's wondering about the road not taken.

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

Part Eight

**0057 ZULU **

**Harm's apartment **

**North of Union Station **

**Washington, D.C**

Harm fumbled in his pocket for his keys. He couldn't get a grip on them. He felt suddenly nervous, as if it was the first time Mac had been to his apartment – though, in a way it was, since it was their first time as a couple.

"Calm down, you're not a teenage boy anymore," Harm thought to himself.

He felt Mac's hand sliding in his pocket, and murmured into his ear, "Here, let me help…" She slid the key into the keyhole, turned it, and opened the door. Mac was still standing behind him as they entered his apartment.

Closing the door, she threw the keys to Harm, who threw then on the table. He turned to look at Mac, who was sitting comfortably on the couch like she had done so many times before, as if nothing had changed between them.

"Want something to drink?" he asked.

"No, I'm fine, thanks," Mac replied.

Harm headed for his fridge anyway. He really needed something to drink, not because he was thirsty, but because his throat was feeling dry. Coming back to the living room, he sat next to Mac. She turned her head so she was looking in his eyes, and Harm felt his breath caught in his throat. There was no mistaking what he read in them: the love she felt for him for so many years.

"Harm? Why did you say that you had been a pretty big imbecile, too?"

Harm took a sip of water and really enjoyed the sensation of the liquid rolling down his throat. He closed his eyes and couldn't suppress a soft moan. After a few seconds, He opened his eyes again, and as he turned his head, he caught Mac staring at him dreamily.

A coy grin appeared on Harm's lips when he realized for the first time what effect he had on his best friend. He cleared his voice a little and stated his explanation:

"I called myself an imbecile because that's what I was back then on the Guadalcanal, when I came to see you to ask why you never called me back after your non-marriage with Brumby. You asked me if I would give up Renee, and by the time my answer came you were gone. And instead of running after you to tell you I would, I stayed there without reacting. So I was a pretty big imbecile…"

"Yeah, I guess you were," she said, laughing, leaning forward to kiss his lips.

"Well, thanks – now you are making fun of me," he replied against her lips, faintly annoyed.

"No, Harm – I'm just happy all this is behind us, that's all," she told him pensively.

"Mac, honey, it could all have been worse, you know. We could have lost each other a thousand times; I could have been killed by an anti-personnel mine, and you could have been killed too. Bud lost a leg and almost lost his career in the Navy, and that's not counting the fact that he was convinced he had become useless – which of course wasn't true at all."

Mac looked at him, a questioning look in her eyes. "Bud thought he'd become a nobody because of the loss of his leg?"

"Yep! And without him I would have been unable to understand a case you were prosecuting. Gunnery Sergeant Hankers, remember? He was accused of having killed his wife in a rage and some had said it was because he was drunk. And I couldn't quite understand why he would have first shot his wife in the neck and then in the shoulder… Then I went to see Bud, see how he was doing and if he could use a little brain storm." Harm grinned at the thought.

"I talked to him about the case and we thought about together. And suddenly, Bud was asking me if anyone else could have been involved in it, making it all appear in a new light. And I remember myself telling him, **'_There is a God, Bud, you know how I know? Cause he only took a leg, he didn't take your head…_'**and it's then I understood that I was looking for answers in the wrong direction. "

"Yeah, sometimes we don't need much to understand things and sometimes we need a bunch of things. I keep wondering about a lot of stuff. I wonder how things would have been if Bud at been killed – what would we have done?" Her voice trailed off.

Harm came to sit closer to Mac and took her into his arms, and she cuddled immediately against him. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and stroked her hair gently.

"Honey, there's no need to keep wondering about what could have been. The past belongs to the past, and it can't be changed. What I'm sure of is you and me, here and now. I don't need more."

Mac looked up at him, a mischievous gaze playing on her face. "So I guess we can say that we both chose to take the road not taken … and with that we fulfilled our unspoken desire…"

Harm looked at her in disbelief, then smiled brightly and leaned down her to place a soft kiss on her lips.

"I guess we have to say thanks to the fortune cookies, then?"

"Yeah," Mac answered, smiling before adding, "It's because of them I'm here."

Harm kissed her again, but this time it was a passionate kiss that left them both breathless and dizzy when they parted for air.

Harm was looking at Mac, but suddenly she felt him slipping away in thoughts. She was concerned.

"Earth to Harm!" she said softly but firmly to make sure he'd hear her.

"Mmmm?" he mumbled absently.

"A penny for your thoughts." She smiled, caressing his cheek softly.

"Nothing…"

"Harm, please, tell me what's wrong. I know there's something. I can see it in your eyes."

"All right, then. You have to promise me something first."

"'Kay."

"Promise me you won't laugh."

"Why would I….?" She asked, a hint of apprehension in her voice.

"Just promise me."

"Okay, I promise."

"Mac, if we ever get married and things don't work out between us because I worked to much or any other circumstances life may put us in… promise me not to think that loving me was like stepping on a rusty nail and that being married to me would be like being married to a cactus…." His voice broke a little.

"Harm, I would never say such a thing. I swear!" she tried to soothe him.

"Don't say that. We both know full well that sometimes we say things that we don't necessarily mean, but we say them anyway. And promise me not to run to Colorado with Farrow if you ever had a mind to divorce me."

When she saw Harm's eyes brimming with tears, her own heart broke in a billion pieces.

"Harm, sweetheart, why do you think that our marriage would fail? I love you and you love me and I really believe from the bottom of my heart that we are meant to be other – otherwise we wouldn't have made it through all this. Trust me, honey, we are meant to be."

"But…"

Mac leaned forward and kissed him once, putting every emotion she felt into the kiss. She was determined to convince him, and as the kiss grew in intensity all Harm's fears and doubts faded away as he let himself be swept away by the kiss of the woman of his dreams, the woman he had loved for so long.

The End or is it the beginning?

5


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